This post has been a long time coming, I’ve written so many similar things, deleted them and started again. Who am I kidding, this isn’t going to be easy, but will it ever?
Earlier this year I was diagnosed with anxiety, something I always knew I had. What I didn’t know was that I was also suffering with depression.
My feelings of unhappiness had become so embedded that they became my norm. I followed the same routine day in, day out – completely numb and blind to the world around me.
My day would usually start around 4:30-5:00am, obscenely early right? I’d force myself out of bed, regardless of how I was feeling (completely exhausted most days) and go for a half an hour walk because I thought it was doing me good. In reality I was slowly damaging myself. I became so anxious that I would miss my morning walk that I wouldn’t allow myself to sleep. Mad absolutely mad.
On top of the walk, some mornings I would drag myself off to the gym, something I genuinely enjoyed, but wasn’t so easy after barely sleeping. I’d then go off to work for 8 hours. This same routine happened 5 days a week. I never gave myself a break.
Socialisation was a thing on the past, I had set mentally set myself ‘goals’ therefore nothing could interfere with these. If my routine ever changed I would obsess over how I would achieve my goals, usually resulting in further sleep deprivation.
Writing all of this seems so crazy, it pains me to look back. I had no idea how badly I was damaging myself.
Life threw a massive curve ball at me late January. One night while cooking dinner I badly cut my hand open, ended up in minor injuries getting it glued back together and manged to sing myself off work for the rest of the week. This incident was the trigger for me to realise I wasn’t coping and hadn’t for months. I ended up in my GP’s office having a breakdown and confessing my troubles.
My mental health journey has only just begun, it’s going to be a long rocky road but I couldn’t be more grateful that I’m on the right path. I’ve started CBT-which if you’re interested, I could do a whole other post on? Anyway, what I wanted to say is that therapy has definitely changed my thinking and how I react in certain situations.
Well I’ve done it, I’ve shared my story. I hope this helps at least one person. Now let’s end this on a positive, life is so much brighter for me now. I’ve made so many new friends, shared wonderful experiences with them and there’s still more to come!
However it’s important that I share this message – it’s okay to not be okay. Something I’m learning to live by!
Char xo
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It’s a very brave and healthy thing to be able to share your experience with the world, and you’re not alone in going through this. There is light at the end of the tunnel 🙂 every day is a step in the right direction!